My (not so) Cheap Wedding

When I turned 18, my parents threw me a Debut Party, which is essentially the Philippine version of a quincinera. It was a lavish event held in a local hotel ballroom and attended by 200 of my closest family and friends.

While I am thankful for the experience, I've known since then that if I were to get married, I'd want a smaller, simpler, and less costly wedding. What I didn't realize was the amount of work it would take to accomplish that.

According to costofweddings.com, the average wedding in the United States costs $26,645, with couples in my area spending between $31,112 and $51,853. While not enough for a house down payment in the Bay Area these days, this is money that could easily be spent on vacations, house renovation, and college tuition for any future children. My husband, who still isn't a fan of the pageantry and societal expectations surrounding marriage, preferred to elope or have a courthouse ceremony.  Coming from a culture that places extreme importance on marriage, I knew my family would never forgive me if we did either.

Thus, we went ahead with planning a "standard wedding" (I use the word "standard" loosely because we did not adhere to my culture's tradition of getting married in a Catholic church). Through it all, we kept the following in mind:
1) Keep to the budget as much as possible, but don't stiff the guests and vendors
2) Treat this as a thank you party for family/friends who've supported us through the years and are willing to attend (see #1 below)
3) Stay true to ourselves, only compromising on things we don't care about much

How did we manage this without blowing our budget? Here are some (sometimes controversial) cost saving measures we enacted:


Wedding Cost Saving Measure #1: Have a destination wedding outside the Bay Area
Recently, I was lucky enough to attend a relative's wedding in the Philippines. This relative had a wedding at a resort and rented rooms for the guests. It was more like a mini-vacation with my family, and I wanted that sort of feel for my own wedding.

After vacationing there two years ago, we opted to have our wedding in a mountain town roughly 4 hours away from the Bay Area. Thanks to the lower cost of living, we were able to find an affordable venue/caterer that would have easily cost twice as much locally. The other plus was cabins on site!

Wedding Cost Saving Measure #2: Cut the guest list
Next to having a low-cost wedding, what was important to my husband and I was that we had a wedding with no more than 100 guests. While my parents advised me to simply "not invite people", we knew that this was completely unrealistic and a local wedding would likely result in 200+ guests.

Having our wedding 4 hours away helped keep our numbers well below 100. The only down side is that the guest list was heavily skewed to my side, while only a few of my husband's family could make the drive. I suppose having a destination wedding may have worked too well in cutting the guest list!


Wedding Cost Saving Measure #3: DIY (Do It Yourself) everything
When I first started planning the wedding, I was told that details and decorations were how I could really personalize everything. To be frank, elaborate decor was the least of my priorities and wanted to spend as little as possible on it. Since my mom loves that sort of thing, I purchased artificial flowers in bulk and let my mom take over the decorating.

This freed up time for my husband and I to focus on details we cared about, like printing our own invitations and making personalized favors for our guests. While ambitious and time consuming, there was definitely a sense of accomplishment knowing that we were able to pull it off. In the end, my mom did a wonderful job with the decor and our guests seemed to appreciate the personalized favors.

Wedding Cost Saving Measure #4: Buy instead of rent.
Wedding planning opened my eyes on the costs of renting things like table linens, chairs, and tables. While doing some comparison shopping, I realized that it was cheaper to buy cloth table napkins than to rent them, plus I get to keep the napkins. I am now the proud owner of 100 burnt orange cloth napkins to use for future Thanksgiving and Halloween dinners!

Wedding Cost Saving Measure #5: Shop early and shop around!
Next to crafting, most of my time was spent comparison shopping. I would definitely recommend booking venues and vendors as soon as possible, as you'll likely be competing with other couples with the same wedding date. Though my husband and I started looking less than a year before our wedding, we were fortunate enough to find a reasonably priced photographer, videographer, cake maker, and DJ. Make sure to check multiple sites as we found our videographer through WeddingWire.com and our photographer through Craigslist.

Once our venue and vendors were booked, it was time to focus on clothing and decor. Bridesmaids dresses were ordered from Weddington Way during a sale. We watched Slickdeals regularly waiting for sales on gift cards and wedding necessities. One trick we used was to buy gift cards for places like Macys, Ebay, and Sephora at a discount, then use said gift cards during a sale. My parents and I lost track of the number of times we visited various craft stores, each with a 50% Off One Item coupon in tow.


Wedding Cost Saving Measure #6: Take advantage of cash back websites and credit cards.
We not only purchased things on sale, but also made sure to use cash back sites for additional savings. To decide which cash back site to go through for a particular online store, we used CashBackWatch.com, which compares rates at the major cash back sites.

Credit cards often offer cash back as well. My husband was fortunate enough to have a credit card which offered 5% cash back on all restaurants during our wedding. This saved us a decent amount on rehearsal and wedding dinner costs.


Wedding Cost Saving Measure #7: BYOB (Bring your own bottle)
When deciding what wines to get, we realized that bringing our own wine and paying the corkage was cheaper than using the wine provided by the venue. Shopping for wine was one of the funner parts of the wedding planning process as we would hunt for bargain wines at places like Bevmo and Grocery Outlet and try them with our dinner. Bringing our own wine worked out pretty well since all our wines cost less than $5 each, including a Woodbridge by Robert Mondavi Moscato which proved to be a hit with our guests.


Wedding Cost Saving Measure #8: Pay for what's important to you, not for what is expected
When we first started wedding planning, we were frequently told that we "needed" things like a wedding planner, wooden dance floor, chair covers, ceiling drapes, doves (the birds), aisle runner, 10 appetizers per person, open bar, etc. We had none of these and didn't miss it. Every wedding is different, but if you find that the sole reason you've paying for a service is because you think it's expected, then you can probably put that money towards something else.


Wedding Cost Saving Measure #9: Ditch the wedding planner
Early on, we were advised to get a wedding planner so we could be "relaxed" on our wedding day. Unfortunately, even the most affordable wedding planner started in the 4 figures. Could we justify the cost?

I'm a social worker and a discharge planner. I like to help and the type of person that would prefer to do things herself instead of burdening other people. I wanted to find my own vendors, come up with a timeline, delegate tasks, and be involved during my own wedding day. These things make me happy.

One of the most hilarious parts of my wedding day was the look of horror on the vendors' faces when I tried to do something like move a chair or pick up trash off the ground. Like I said, it's the social worker in me. Would hiring a wedding planner and making our wedding party do more work have been less stressful?  Of course, but I would have felt immensely guilty about the extra money spent and making others do work I could have easily done myself. Plus with the money saved we were able to hire a videographer and get extra beer/appetizers.


Wedding Cost Saving Measure #10: Know your guests
Lots of wedding websites have calculators on the amount of alcohol and appetizers to serve. While they were valuable for planning purposes, what's most useful is knowing your guests' preferences and habits.

For instance, the calculators advised us to get 6-8 appetizers per person. I was also advised to up the appetizers because "people overeat at weddings". My parents - knowing that our family does not eat a lot - advised me to serve fewer appetizers to avoid paying for wasted leftovers. In the end, we cut down to about 4 appetizers per person and even had some leftovers.

When deciding whether to have open bar, we looked at our guest list and realized that most of our family and friends are beer and wine (specifically sweet wine) drinkers. We opted for having a beer/cider/wine-only bar with a variety of choices. No one seemed to miss the liquor and our guests seemed to especially like the sweet wine.


In the end, our wedding cost well below the United States average. While this isn't saying much, considering I know people who've had weddings for under a thousand, our guests were well-fed and seemed to genuinely have a blast, which was most important to me. Of course we could have saved much more by eloping or having a courthouse ceremony, but ultimately, there's still something to be said for throwing a party for all your favorite people.

A Return to Blogging 2016

Wow, it's been over a year since my last post! I'm still here, but had to take a blogging hiatus due to my time being consumed by other things. Here's a brief synopsis of my past year:

Got Married.

After seven years, my now husband popped the question that would result in one of the most whirlwind years of our lives. I'll be blogging about our wedding in subsequent posts, but in short, all of our free time was consumed by wedding planning and other related wedding events for most of 2016.

In other news, I've finally moved out of my parents' house and am adjusting to living with my husband. Job-wise, I'm still working as a medical social worker, but am looking into part-time income streams such as blogging and even crafting (thanks to skills acquired while wedding planning).

I have no idea what direction I want to take this blog, but right now the most important thing is that I start writing again. We'll see where this goes!

New Year, New Goals

Happy New Year (though a few weeks late)!

Between family illnesses, deaths in the family, a house robbery, the economy, and near social work burnout/disenchantment as a result of aforementioned family illnesses, 2014 was not the best year for me.  Of course, there were a few bright points, such as the love of my friends/family/coworkers, several fun vacations (which I will write about later), and the SF Giants winning yet another World Series.  With a new year comes a clean slate and the hope that this year will be even better than the last!

I'm not one to make New Year's resolutions because I never keep them.  However, looking at my finances, I really did not do well when it came to making/saving money last year.  While part of that was due to unforeseen circumstances (such as an emergency trip out of the country and unexpected medical expenses), I also made the conscious decision to not cancel my pre-planned trips and dip into my savings account.  Additionally, I cut back on my work hours in the latter half of 2014 due to job/life burnout.  With the new year, I've upped my work hours again and plan to keep working as much as I can to pay for a family trip this spring and travel in the summer.  My main goal for this year is to make more than I made last year and save significantly more.

Late last year, I found out (to my chagrin) that despite being told otherwise, I do qualify for my one of my job's 403b program as a per diem employee.  I immediately signed up for an account and am putting in 80% of my earnings to make up for several years of missed contributions.  Currently, my savings goals for this year are as follows:
-Max out my 403b contribution
-Max out my IRA contribution
-Max out my HSA contribution
-Recoup the money I took out of my savings account last year

It's not going to be an easy task, but I certainly think it's doable.  Working to my advantage are the fact that I'm still stuck at home (as per cultural expectations) and probably won't be buying/renting anytime soon as a result of ridiculously inflated prices in the Bay Area.  I realize that despite where I live, I'm probably in a better financial position to meet my goals compared to social workers in other parts of the country, and hence consider myself really lucky.

As always, I have every intention to travel, though I'll probably have to budget my money a little better than last year.  More on that later!

I really hope to do more writing this year as I'm out of practice!  Thank you again for your continued support of my blog, and please come back soon! 

The Best/Worst Graduation Speech I've Ever Heard

You know it's graduation season when your social media feeds are inundated with videos/text from various graduation speeches. A number of well-off engineers I know shared this particular speech, which resulted in strong, conflicting mixed reactions on my part. I haven't felt this uncomfortable reading something since the Any Chua Wall Street Journal article.

Here's a copy of the "speech" here: Dear graduates: Don’t follow your dreams (A commencement speech for the mediocre) 
 
I can't decide if this is the best or most arrogant commencement speech I have ever read. Basically, author Tim Donovan states that people should err on the safe side when making career decisions and not pursue non-financially lucrative dreams because they will most likely not succeed. In his opinion, it's better to live a stable life than risk failure, and that passions should be relegated to hobby status.

To a certain level, I can understand where Mr. Donovan is coming from. On one hand, not everyone can succeed as an artist, musician, writer, [insert humanities field here]. The author himself worked as a waiter for many years before making it big. Even fields in the social sciences (such as social work) don't always provide livable incomes. Safe degrees in fields like computer science, engineering, medicine, and business generally guarantee enough disposable income for people to pay their bills and live comfortable lives. On the other hand, I find it ironic that a humanities major who ultimately became successful by following his dreams is telling the rest of us to simply take the safe route.

Tim Donovan targets the general student population in his "speech" - the mediocre. A question I can't help by ask is this: Who are the true mediocre in this situation? Is it people who play it safe and potentially live mundane yet stable lives, or those who risk their financial security in hopes of doing something great or achieving their dreams? While some of the biggest risk takers I know could have higher incomes and larger nest eggs, these individuals are the ones who seem to be having the most adventure, seeing the world, and making the most out of life.

On a personal note, I'm someone who tried to balance dreams (studying music) with stability (a college counseling job) but ultimately erred on the side of practicality (a job in the medical sector). My job is fine, but I regularly wonder if I'd be happier if I pursued something even less financially pragmatic than social work. Maybe I'll get that music degree someday (to the horror of my family/friends), but for now I'll be part of the mediocre.

2014: Another New Start

It's been a while since my last blog post.  Between work, travel, and general writer's block, I've really haven't written very much lately.  Hence, I really feel like my already mediocre writing skills have diminished even more!  This year, I'm hoping to change that by making alterations that facilitate more frequent posting and allow me more practice in writing.

The first major change is streamlining my blogs.  Looking through my archives, I noticed that I was cross-posting many of my posts to my other blog.  Instead of having two infrequently updated blogs, I figured it would be best to consolidate everything into one blog.  I will still keep Adventures of a (not so) Cheap Social Worker up for now, but all the posts from there can now be found on this site.

Postings on this site will pertain to my job, the social work field, anything remotely social work/healthcare related, money related issues, and my attempts to make the most of a social worker salary.  Like the title of this blog states, I am NOT cheap, but will try (and probably fail) so as to make the most of my money while having the most fun.

I have another infrequently updated blog that documents my daily like and things I like to do for fun, which is to travel.  I think of it as my escape from social work.  I'll probably post a link once I've fixed it up a little.

To end this post, here are my goals for 2014, which I will elaborate on in future posts.  I will keep the list short to increase the likelihood of meeting them all:
1) Blog more frequently
2) Travel more
3) Earn more money that I did last last
4) Spend less than I did last year

Wish me luck!  Happy 2014 everyone!

A Return to Blogging

Wow, almost four months have passed since my last post!  Seems like so much time has passed that even Blogger has changed its interface...  I've definitely been doing a bad job at blogging.  Between work, sitting in traffic several hours a day, trying to exercise, and trying to relax after a long day, I really don't have time for much.

I've been thinking about the format of my blogs and what to do with them.  Since I don't blog frequently enough, one option is to recombine them into a single blog again.  I suppose I could also keep them separate and find a way to connect them into a bigger site at some point.  My blogs will always be works in progress, so expect changes in the future!

Quick life update: Still working the same jobs, living at home, and not having much luck with the Bay Area housing market.  Seriously, who wants to pay $1000/month to live in a room in a house?  Doesn't help than my parents expect me to live at home until I either get married or buy a house. Given my home situation, I wonder if I would have a better life if I did go to medical/law/engineering school.  Then I realize that my doctor friends have debt in the six figure range (and make less than expected after malpractice insurance/taxes/overhead), my lawyer friends are mostly unemployed and in six figure debt , and my engineering friends only make slightly more than I do.  I suppose it's sad times for everyone right now.

The positive thing about all of this is having extra money to do a little traveling.  It's quite addicting and a motivating factor in finding a career that lets me travel all over the place.  I'll talk about my trips at some point.

Well, that's all for now.  I'll also be updating Cheap Social Worker, so please feel free to check that out too!

Non-Family Support Systems

"Social work is clerical, while nursing is clinical."

"Nurses have to give medication, set up IV, clean bodily waste, spend the whole day being waitress to a patient, and deal with difficult family on top of that. We can do the job physical therapy, pharmacy, phlebotomy, respiratory therapy, and social work. This is why nursing pays more than social work, even with your masters degree. Your job is easier than ours."


These two quotes came from my mom while we were have a discussion on why nurse case managers make more than social workers when they do the same discharge planning duties (though my mom missed the fact that I was referring to nurse case managers, not floor nurses). My mom views the different medical professions as part of a hierarchy, with doctors at the top, nurses one step below, and everyone else beneath the nurses. According to my mom, salaries should also be based on this same hierarchy.

When it comes to nurse and social worker salaries, I doubt I'll ever convince my mom that nurses and social workers should earn comparable wages. In fact, I'm almost inclined to agree with my mom that nurses deserve higher wages for their vast medical knowledge (which I lack) and physically/emotionally taxing and gross working conditions. I for one would not want to clean the commode of a c-difficile positive patient.

However, it pains me to have my mom continue to look down on me because I have an "easier job" than hers. In the past, I thought about leaving medical social work because of the burnout caused from having to deal with my mom's opinions. Switching to another sector of social work is still an option, but I currently enjoy the flexibility, excitement, and higher-than-average wages offered by working in a hospital setting. Moving is also another option once I find the right place at the right price.

In the meantime, I continue to live a home, which does have its benefits. I have saved a lot, and my parents don't seem to mind having me around (since their culture doesn't believe in kids moving out until marriage). I think the worst part about the whole thing is the lack of family support I get when it comes to my job, which can be extremely difficult given the importance of support systems in preventing social work burnout. Between my family telling me that I'm a failure for not being a doctor/lawyer/engineer, that social workers are "worthless", and/or that social work is "easy", I've learned that I can't rely on any family members for support.

How have I managed without family support? It certainly hasn't been easy. However, upon some self-reflection, I realize that I've always had a knack for finding support systems such as friends, acquaintances, online forums, etc. Here's a list of places I've found the most comfort in lieu of my family:

-My boyfriend: I'm lucky enough to have a significant other that tries to comfort me as I ramble incessantly about random happenings at work. While he is extremely supportive, I've been working on toning down the ranting and focusing on happy things when I see him. Talking about stressful work situations after a stressful work week probably gets old, and certainly isn't the best way to spend a date night.

-My co-workers: I've been lucky to have extremely supportive co-workers (both nurse case managers and social workers). The best part is that we can relate to the stressful situations associated with discharge planning. It's great to decompress with them, especially after a difficult discharge.

-Social work friends: Similarly, my social work friends and I can relate one another pretty easily. When we get together for dinner, we often spend the evening talking about our respective jobs and challenging situations that arise. However, one problem is that we typically end up talking solely about social work related problems. On more than one occasion, I've gone home thinking that all my friends are underpaid and hate their jobs. Additionally, non-social work friends who are present end up feeling confused and left out.

-Non-social work friends: Non-social work friends are great to hang out with, especially on days when I want nothing to do with social work. When it comes to talking about my job, though, they tend not to understand what I do.

-Social Media: Writing on blogs (such as this one), facebook, twitter, etc. can be cathartic. When my personal circles aren't there I know that there is someone that can relate to me online! However, I'm careful about what I post on social media (especially facebook), since that catharsis can turn into conflict if the wrong person reads it! Fortunately, my mom can barely check her e-mail. I should be okay... for now.

Who do you rely on for support? How do you deal with people who don't support what you do? I'd like to hear your opinions!

(not so) Cheap Social Worker's Guide to Preventing Social Work Burnout

Like many of you, I have days when I come home exhausted, frustrated, and jaded. I wonder why I'm in this field and question whether my work makes a difference. Sometimes, I go as far googling alternate jobs I could do with my MSW. This is when I know it's time for some self-care.

As members of a profession notorious for burnout, we social workers have to be especially conscious of our need for rest and rejuvenation. While people in other fields might find the term funny, "self-care" is essential to keep ourselves physically and emotionally well. That way, we can provide the best care possible to the populations we serve.

Working in a profession that also has a reputation for being lower paying, many of us lack the funds for a fancy vacation or spa treatment. However, this is not an excuse to neglect our self-care regimen. Here are some ideas for caring for yourself while saving a few dollars:

Cheap Tip #1: Go for a walk/jog. Find a scenic area or park and get a little bit of exercise. The release of endorphins will help relieve some work related stress!

Cheap Tip #2: Movie night at home. Grab a movie from Redbox, pop some microwavable popcorn, and have a relaxing night at home! Invite some friends over for more food and fun.

Cheap Tip #3: Treat yourself at a discount. Check out deal-of-the-day sites like Groupon and LivingSocial. There you'll find discounts on getaways, shopping, spas, and restaurants. Pamper yourself! You deserve it!

Cheap Tip #4: Happy Hour. Most restaurants offer discounted appetizers and drinks during the afternoon hours. Grab some friends or co-workers and wind down after a long work day!

Cheap Tip #5: Take a bubble bath. Turn on some relaxing music, light some candles, and enjoy a soothing soak in the tub. Personally, I like the Mr. Bubble bubble bath from my childhood.

Cheap Tip #6: Sleep early. I know this sounds elementary, but I cannot emphasize enough the importance of sleep. If you've had a particularly stressful day, try going to bed a earlier than usual. You'll feel rested and refreshed in the morning.

Cheap Tip #7: Plan a weekend staycation. I am fortunate enough to live near San Francisco, Santa Cruz, and the Napa Valley. Find out what attractions are near your area and plan a weekend trip there. You might discover a new favorite hangout during your adventure!

The next time you feel overwhelmed from work, try one of the tips on this list!

What are you favorite ways to relax when you're feeling some social work burnout? I'm always looking for new self-care ideas myself!

2012 New Year's Resolutions

Hello, and many apologies for the lack of updates. Between work, family obligations, travels abroad, and the holidays I haven't had much time to work on this blog. Now that things have settled down a bit I hope I can start posting regularly again!

Since it is a new year, I figured it would be appropriate to post my list of 2012 new year's resolutions:

1) Move out of my parents' house
2) Update my blogs at least once a week
3) Go to the gym at least twice a week

I think I'll start with those for now. Better to have a small list of attainable goals than a long list of resolutions I'll probably break. Wish me luck!

Tiger Mom: Revisited

Lately, I've been reading the blog of Sophia Chua-Rubenfeld, Amy Chua's daughter. Not only is Sophia obviously intelligent and hard working, but to my surprise also appears to be creative, witty, personable, and well-rounded. She also seems to have a great relationship with her mother, and is genuinely thankful for the way she was raised.

In several interviews following the release of "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother", Amy Chua stated that her book was meant to be a satire. After reading Sophia's blog, I'm more inclined to believe that Amy Chua exaggerated parts of her book and that she really wasn't that strict at all (relative to how I was raised). To compare, when I was Sophia's age I was not allowed to have a job, have a boyfriend, wear clothes that stylish (or even shave my legs), have my grades drop from from an A+ to A, and not major in anything but pre-med. Additionally, I have yet to read about Sophia or her sister Lulu receiving physical punishment for poor performances or disagreeing with their parents. It really seems that Amy Chua did allow her daughters some liberty in their lives.

While reading Sophia's blog, one entry of interest was when she discussed her trip to China. Here, Sophia talked about how many Chinese readers viewed the "comic list of 'things [she and sister Lulu] were never allowed to do' as the new 10 Commandments". Furthermore, she described the Chinese translation of her mother's book as "totally literal and devoid of humor". In fact, author Amy Chua had to correct the misconception that she was some sort of education expert, telling her daughter, "How am I supposed to defend a position? I don't have a position! This is just my life!" and later defending the merits of the American education system.

Sophia and her mother seemed surprised at the Chinese reaction to "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother". However, I knew that this was going to happen from the moment I read the initial Wall Street Journal article. From the beginning, my biggest criticism of Amy Chua's book (in addition to the flashbacks I've experienced from reading about it) has been that despite its comedic nature, many parents will miss the humor and use it as a parenting guide. As illustrated by Sophia Chua-Rubenfeld, it seems as if a number of parents now view Amy Chua as a parenting expert and her book a "how to" guide on how to raise academically successful children.

As someone still recovering from the strict Tiger Parenting described in the most extreme parts of "Battle Hymn", it saddens me to think about the children that will be subject to this type of parent style as a result of this book. While no one can deny that Tiger Parenting produces individuals like Sophia Chua-Rubenfeld, what happens to those that, for whatever reason, cannot meet their parents' high expectations? Is success at all costs really worth the potential consequences? I can only hope that most parents that read "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" see it as the biographical satire it's meant to be.

Moving Out: A Debate of Values

Yesterday, I received a call from one of my jobs asking me if I wanted to try working at a few more hospitals. I happily agreed, as this would definitely give me more working hours and an opportunity to check out other facilities. Also, these hospitals are far enough away from my home that I would be "forced" to move. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that things work out so I can put the apartment search into high gear and have my own place by next month.

While my mom is pleased at the idea of me working at more hospitals - especially ones with more name recognition - she is not pleased with the idea that I will probably be moving soon. In a conversation we had earlier, my mom reiterated that children who move out after college are ungrateful to their parents for not staying. My mom complained that she hasn't had a chance to "enjoy my company" since I've only been at home for a year. She stated that if I had siblings, I'd still be living at home paying for their college tuition.

I suppose I should try to cut my mom some slack, as her perspective is based on a set of personal beliefs she terms "Filipino values" (which of course varies from Filipino to Filipino). My mom came from a family that obligates older children to return after college to help the parents and younger children financially. Since children are not allowed to work while in school/university, this is a way to repay the parents for their financial sacrifices. Typically, children live at home until they get married, or longer if the spouses become parts of the household.

As someone who grew up exposed to a different set of values, I view moving out after college as a sign that parents have raised successful children who no longer need to rely on them. Adult children can still help their parents financially and emotionally if necessary, and certainly do not need to live at home to do so. Parents are not going to be around forever, hence I feel it's necessary that adult children grow their own wings and learn to take care of themselves. If my mom views financial independence and non-reliance on the parents as such a bad thing, then why put so much pressure on me to overachieve? My mom (along with many of her friends/family members) certainly doesn't see things this way, and I question whether we'll ever come to a compromise when it comes to this issue.

Many of my friends and co-workers have children whom they can't wait to kick out of the house. Most of these children do not have a means to survive without their parents, with some not even trying to get jobs because they feel their parents will support them indefinitely. My problem is the complete opposite. I can only hope that I can eventually get my parents to interpret my leaving as a sign that they have done their part as parents, not a slap in the face by an ungrateful daughter.

More Moving Out Woes

As you all know, I've been in the process of apartment hunting so I can move out of my parents' house. It's been a rather stressful process, and has resulted in numerous arguments with my parents these past few weeks.

To break it down, here are my main arguments for moving out:
1) Driving an hour each way to get to work is tiring, and by the end of the day I often get sleepy behind the wheel. Living closer to my jobs will give me a shorter commute and more time to work on side projects. Also, living somewhere near public transportation will allow me to take advantage of my job's commuter check program, saving even more on costs. Currently, I pay over $300 a month in gasoline.
2) I'm in my late 20s, have a job, and can afford to move out. It's time.
3) I personally find it embarrassing being a boomerang kid. Part of the reason I got a masters degree was to be able to sustain myself enough such that I can live on my own.
4) Social work burnout as a result of living at home.

My parents' arguments for staying at home are as follows:
1) Living at home will allow me to save money. While I've tried to pay my parents money for rent, they've refused. Hence I am saving a good amount of money on rent, food, and utilities.
2) My parents believe that renting an apartment is simply throwing away my money. They want me to live at home until I can buy a house (and not a condo).
3) My parents are concerns about my choice to work multiple per diem jobs instead of one full time job. They don't seem to comprehend that I picked this non-traditional job schedule due to its flexibility, and that things won't change for a few years.
4) In my parents' country, kids live at home until marriage. They tell me that if I'm going to get married in the next 5 years, I might as well live at home until then. In 5 years, I'll be in my early 30s.
*By the way, I have a boyfriend of two years. Living with him before marriage is not an option because it will get me disowned by my parents and make me the Hester Prynne of my family.
5) My parents feel that if I rent a room in a house, I might as well stay at home with them. They also worry that having roommates will put me in physical danger.
6) I can apparently do what I want living at home (not true), so why leave?.
7) My parents view the concept of kids moving out as "abandoning their parents". "Next, they'll throw us in a nursing home to die."

I am thankful that my parents are allowing me to live at home, unlike a lot of people I know out there. However, now that I am able to sustain myself, I find it frustrating and disempowering that they do not want me to leave. My parents view autonomy negatively, and tell me stories about friends' kids who have jobs and are able to pay for things like weddings and houses without parental help as if it's a bad thing. While I understand the fears associated with me leaving, my parents' attempts to keep me at home is making me want to break away even more.

It seems as if the more my parents and I discuss moving out, the more nervous I feel. They do make good points about saving money by living at home. In fact, I currently have enough money in the bank to sustain myself for probably a year if necessary. If I were to live at home for another year or two, I could definitely afford the 20% down on a house. However, I'm not sure if buying is worth it if you stay for less than 5 years, as who knows where I'll be then.

I think I know what my choice will be when it comes to moving out. I'll just have to continue reminding myself that in this situation, having money is not equating to happiness. While moving out will not necessarily mean freedom, it's certainly a step in that direction.

Update!

Hello, and sorry for the lack of updates these past few months! I'll try to do a better job in keeping this blog updated. Thank you to those of you who have left kind and supportive comments!

Since my last post, things have picked up in the job market. While on vacation last April, I received several phone calls from companies to which I had submitted applications months ago. I guess they never threw away my résumé. Upon coming back from vacation, I interviewed for several positions and got two job offers! On top of that, my current job decided to hire me as a permanent employee! Just shows that persistence and patient do pay off in the long run.

Now, I'm juggling three per diem jobs. While this may sound crazy, it actually works for my current lifestyle. The beauty of per diem work is the flexibility you have in setting your own schedule. At this point I'm not ready to settle into a 9-6pm position that will only allow me 10 vacation days a year. I don't mind sacrificing salary for some free time to travel and work on side projects (like this blog). Of course, things will probably change once I decide to settle down, start a family, and whatnot.

Unfortunately, I haven't had much free time these past two months since I've been working full time hours to fill in for people on vacation. Since it's summertime, I anticipate that things will stay this way the next few months. I don't mind, as I prefer to vacation in the fall and winter. It's also good money that I'll use to cover rent during the months I'm not working 5 days a week.

Speaking of rent, I've spent my free time hunting for apartments. While living at home is the ultimate way to save money, I feel that it's time for me to move into my own place. So far I haven't had much luck, but I'm crossing my fingers and hoping I can find something in the next month or two. I'll probably post updates about my finds on my other blog.

Well, I guess I'll leave it at that! I'll try not to wait 2.5 months until my next update!

Social Work Burnout Happens In Different Ways

While having a discussion with my mom today, she said the following: "Chinese people don't want to be social workers because there is no prestige in the profession. They all want to be doctors." Instead of arguing the many things wrong with her statement, I opted to remain silent as I've had this conversation with her thousands of times before to no avail.

What sets me apart from many of my social work friends is that the majority of my stress does not come from work. It comes from having to come home at the end of the day and hear about how I am "less than" because I do not have a more "prestigious" job. Furthermore, coming home from work is like going to a second job. Since my mom is a nurse, she spends dinner time railing about her latest problem patient (like I don't encounter lots of them at work) and lecturing me about what I should be doing at work as a medical social worker. She tells me that nursing is significantly harder than anything a social worker has to do, hence making social workers deserving of a salary half that of a nurse. Unfortunately, my family takes a militant "no secrets" approach which prevents me from setting boundaries at home. Hence, I go to work to escape the stress associated from being at home.

There are three reasons I continue to live at home. The first is to save money. The second is that I have yet to find a stable full time/part time job that will allow me to move out without draining my savings. The third is the cultural belief within my family that unmarried adult children who move out are ungrateful and abandoning their parents. To cope with this situation, I involve myself in extracurricular activities and surround myself with supportive friends. I am also on the hunt for jobs that are not within commuting distance from my house.

In the next few weeks, I will revamp my resume and cover letter and re-intensify my job search in hopes that I can move out before my one year anniversary of graduating with my MSW. Social work jobs right now are pretty tight, and a medical social work position is even more difficult to obtain. As living at home is beginning to result in medical social work burnout, I am open to jobs in different settings such as college campuses.

For the immediate future, my main goals are to find a job and move out. I also want to go on a nice vacation with the money I've saved from living at home. I'll definitely keep everyone updated on my exploits. Wish me luck!

The Giving Tree

Earlier this evening, my boyfriend (who is close to finishing his last quarter of graduate school) mentioned that he felt like the old man pictured on the last page of The Giving Tree. Not being able to recall this book from my childhood, I went ahead an looked up the Wikipedia article. The plot description nearly brought me to tears. Watching the following video all but pushed me over the edge:



In fact, I could only watch portions of it because seeing the story unfold through animation was just so depressing.

I suppose what saddened me most about this story were the sacrifices made by both the tree and the boy. In order to make the boy happy, the tree gradually allowed parts of her to be removed to be sold or constructed into a house and boat. The tree gave freely, while the boy simply took and took in return. Ultimately, only the tree's stump was left.

The boy, on the other hand, sacrificed his carefree childhood spent with the tree to fulfill "adult" tasks such as working, making profit, and accumulating and maintaining assets (such as the house). Despite this, he still found life unsatisfying and used the tree's trunk in an attempt to escape. In the end, the boy, now an old man with simpler needs, found comfort sitting on top of what was left of his lifelong friend.

I suppose The Giving Tree tells two stories here. One is about unconditional self-sacrifice due to love. The other is a lament for a simple and carefree childhood lost to the adult world of endless responsibilities. Both stories resonate pretty equally with me. Having been with my boyfriend for almost two years, I know I would probably make the same sacrifices the tree made for the boy in a heartbeat. Now that I'm done with school and work, I sometimes long for those childhood days that seemed free from care and worry. With the work I do with the elderly in the hospital, I can't help but sometimes feel like I'm aging at an accelerated rate.

Before going to bed, my boyfriend told me that rereading The Giving Tree helped him put things into perspective. Indeed, this story has given me new insight into the meaning of unconditional personal sacrifice and reminded me of the joys of a carefree life. These are definitely important lessons I intend to incorporate into my own daily living in an attempt to decelerate my self-perceived aging!

I'm not scheduled to work tomorrow. Perhaps I'll look for something cheery to do during the day.

Reflections from a Wounded Tiger Child

About a week ago, the Wall Street Journal published an article called "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior" containing excepts of Yale Law Professor Amy Chua's book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother". If you haven't read it yet, then please stop reading this post and read the article before proceeding. Needless to say, her authoritarian parenting methods, attack of "Western" parenting styles, and overall use of dichotomous and overly simplistic comparisons of Western vs. "Chinese" culture have resulted in much uproar and debate from people representing differing cultures and parenting styles. A number of responses have popped up online, easily accessible with a simple Google search.

I realize this article was published almost two weeks ago, but I suppose the reason it's taken me this long to respond is because of my initial reaction upon reading it for the first time. Let's just say I was left so distraught that I was essentially incapacitated for the rest of the weekend. While I've read controversial and infuriating pieces of literature in the past, the last thing I expected was to have such a strong emotional response from something published in the Wall Street Journal. After spending a good amount of time perusing blogs, talking to my friends (who are tired of hearing about this subject), talking to my mother (who didn't help things at the time), and doing some self-reflection, I think I've calmed to the point where I can now discuss the subject of "Tiger Mothering" without resorting to vitriol.

The subject of my masters thesis was the relationship between perceived parental pressure and the onset of mental illness among college aged students. Initially, my plan was to discuss the potential harms of "Tiger Mothering" using studies from my literature review. I had also plan to discuss the fallacious "Western vs. Chinese" ideas perpetuated by Amy Chua's article and book. However, I know these subjects have been discussed ad nauseum on other blogs and news sites. Hence, I think a more effective use of this space would be to discuss my personal experiences with Asian parents who employed some "Tiger Mother" tactics. When it comes to my parents I always have a lot say, but to prevent this post from turning into a novel I'll try to keep the scope focused on their parenting style in relation to Amy Chua's methods.

Upon personal reflection, there are some big differences between my parents and Amy Chua. Unlike Amy Chua's children I was allowed to go on occasion playdates, choose my own extracurricular activities, be in a school play, watch TV, play video games, and play flute and percussion (in addition to piano). However, like Amy Chua's children I was not allowed to attend sleepovers or get grades less than an A. Additionally, having my grades drop from an A+ to an A was an issue of contention with my mother, who nearly confronted one of my teachers at one point. Regarding class ranks, the junior high school and high school I attended didn't have any, and I was fortunate enough to be valedictorian of my elementary school class. However, I knew being the best was important to my parents. Similar to Amy Chua, I was reprimanded when I only received 2nd place in an 8th grade spelling bee contest. During freshman year of high school, I was grounded for telling my parents that they shouldn't expect me to be valedictorian (before I found out my school didn't have one).

It's hard to say whether parental pressure put me at an advantage in life. In many ways, I feel the pressure ultimately left me at a disadvantage. From elementary through high school, I got straight As due to the utter fear of being punished if I brought home a B. My classmates and friends never understood why I was so against getting a B, and I was often bullied for my perfectionist tendencies. I suppose many of my teachers didn't understand either, with one teacher nicknaming me "Ms. Perfect" and another telling me to tell my parents to "get a life" (nearly resulting in a confrontation with my mom later that day). However, in an urban school district with a lot of problem students, most teachers appreciated my passive and overachieving nature. Such an attitude kept me out of trouble, brought straight As, and eventually earned me some respect among my peers. Similarly, a submissive and obedient attitude was the easiest way to avoid criticism at home, though the most minute slight would nevertheless result in hours of verbal lashing and unfounded accusations of slacking off, drug use, and/or sexual behavior. I suppose this pressure to please everyone paid off with my acceptance into one of the top public universities in the nation. However, the need to satisfy everyone at the expense of my needs would result in a litany of problems to come.

When it came time to go to college, I was essentially told by my parents that I had to go to medical school or "go to hell". By that time, going to medical school was something I did not want to do. I recall one night when I broke down and pleaded with them to let me study something else, but they would not budge. While they viewed becoming a doctor as a way to achieve wealth and prestige in life, I saw it as a lifetime enslaved to something for which I had no passion. In fact, I knew by then that my passion was in music. Little did my parents know about the amount of time I spent playing music, as I practiced in private due to their tendency to yell at me if I made too many mistakes or played something "useless" like warm-up scales. My parents essentially disallowed the notion of studying music in college, and I can't help but wonder if Amy Chua will react the same way if her prodigious children consider music as a major when they reach college.

Needless to say, my grades suffered greatly as an undergraduate. I had no passion for the subject I was studying and essentially had no hope for any happiness in my future. Furthermore, I turned into a problem student due to my poor test scores and began to receive insults from my peers concerning my academic performance. When I complained to my parents about how much I hated what I was studying, they merely screamed at me to further bury myself in my studies so I enjoy it. College life was miserable, though this misery was masked by the euphoria I experienced from playing in my university's marching band.

Unfortunately, this joy was short lived as this extracurricular activity brought a new slew of challenges. While I took an active part in my college marching band, I ultimately was never given an opportunity to have a leadership role in the group. Each time I applied, I was denied, with fellow bandmembers stating that it was due to my lack of self-confidence and leadership ability. More blunt members stated that my passivity and push-over demeanor made me socially awkward and unlikable. Personality traits that worked for me in high school no longer worked for me in my college social relationships. In fact, when I being in constant contact with the same band members opened the door to dating, I was repeated passed up for females who exuded more confidence in themselves. Eventually, I got fed up I forced myself to become more assertive and resistant to the relationship setbacks, put-downs, and bullying. Unfortunately, this was unfamiliar emotional territory for me, and ultimately resulted in me angrily throwing a glass of water in someone's face for making a friendly joke about my instrument. Needless to say, I often wonder how things would have turned out differently if I was allowed me more time to explore social relationships and even date in high school. Moreover, I can't help but think that things would have been different if my parents used a parenting style that promoted confidence, courage, and resilience instead of obedience, acquiescence, and fear.

Two years into college my parents finally realized how unhappy I had become and relented on their desire to have me go to medical school. While I ultimately went on to graduate school and completed my Master of Social Work program with honors, I know that deep inside my parents are disappointed that I did not fulfill their dream of me becoming a doctor. While I still have no desire to become a doctor today, the idea that I have shamed my family by something inferior in their eyes is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. It is also something I will have to face on a daily basis if I choose to stay in a field of social work that requires constant interaction with doctors.

That's not to say that I don't feel gratitude towards my parents. I am forever thankful to my parents because of their sacrifices while I growing up and their financial (and eventually emotional support) while I was in college. I know that without them, I would not be where I am today. Concurrently, I strongly feel that the way I was raised played a major factor in my decision to become a social worker.

Following graduate school, I moved back home with my parents to save money while I looked for a more permanent job/vegetated after 17 years of school. Things have definitely been different compared to when I lived with my parents while growing up. Nowadays, I get away with leaving the house to see friends and debating my parents when I feel they're wrong on an issue. However, there are old habits I still can't change, such as my avoidance of the piano when my parents are home.

I've read a number of great responses online from Asian-Americans negatively affected by their "Tiger Parents" rearing. I know that college is over, but to say that the way I was parented doesn't affect me today would be downright dishonest. While I like my profession, I often wonder if I would be happier as a musician or band director (their salaries are similar to that of a social worker anyway). My close friends continue to express concern regarding my lack of self-confidence, self-efficacy, and self-esteem. Despite having a decent number of friends and acquaintances, I feel that my social skills pale when it comes to meeting new people, carrying discussions, and avoiding social awkwardness. When it comes to my own profession, I still feel insecure because my family does not deem it as lucrative or prestigious than if I had become a doctor or lawyer. My own boyfriend is an engineer, and while he has repeatedly stated that he supports my profession, I still can't help but wonder if he and his parents also view me as inferior because I am a social worker and not something "better". Every day is a new battle against myself and my past, and while I've made plenty of progress in attempting to reclaim my life, I anticipate it may take a while to finally overcome the hold my parents have on me from their "Tiger Parenting" tendencies.

Well, that's my story, which turned out a lot longer than I anticipated. It's amazing how a simple book except can trigger years worth of memories and repressed emotions. That's not to say that I'm entirely against Amy Chua and the message she attempts to send in her book. I will acknowledge that she makes some good points about the "softness" of some parents in existence today, resulting in some lazy, spoiled, and entitled children. Additionally, I will give her credit for reforming her authoritarian ways by the end of her book following the rebellion of her 13 year old daughter. It seems that the Wall Street Journal article did misrepresent her book as a whole, but the resulting controversy probably did her a favor by boosting her sales. As for me, I never plan on buying or reading her book. As interesting of a read as it might be, I'd rather spend my free time not reliving these painful aspects of my childhood. If a Wall Street Journal article can put me in such a state of distress, then I fear what "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" might do to this already wounded "Tiger Child".

A new beginning

Wow, it's been almost a year since my last post! I suppose time flies when you're busy. Let me summarize the events of the past year:

-I completed my MSW program last May. While I am relieved to be done, there are times when I miss the student lifestyle. I suppose contributing to this feeling is the fact that...
-I moved home. Considering I didn't have a job lined up upon graduating, I took advantage of my parents' generosity and moved back home. While this is meant to be a temporary arrangement, my parents do not want me moving out until I secure a full time job. Moving home has certain been an adjustment, as I enjoyed living on my own. However, the biggest benefit is that I'm saving tons of money by not paying rent (my parents refuse to accept rent money, telling me to save it instead).
-I landed a per diem job at a hospital. After three months of obsessively searching and applying for jobs, I was finally hired by a staffing agency. I currently work at an acute hospital as a medical social worker. While planning discharges and addressing multiple patient issues can be exhausting, I find that my days go by rather quickly. Overall, I am content with the work I do and happy that my salary is higher than my initial expectations (which were really low). Currently, I am working full time hours as one of my co-workers is on leave for a few weeks.
-I am still applying for jobs. Ideally, I would like to land a full time job with benefits so I can move out of my parents' house already. However, I am not in too much of a hurry to sign away the next 30 years of my life just yet. There are a few things I'd still like to do, such as travel and dedicate time to hobbies I've been neglecting because of school. When I feel ready (and the right job comes along), I'll move out. Ideally, I'll have saved up a decent amount of rent money from not having paid rent while at home.

Anyway, that's my life update. Now that I'm not busy with school, I'll see what I can do about updating this blog more often!