Reflections from a Wounded Tiger Child

About a week ago, the Wall Street Journal published an article called "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior" containing excepts of Yale Law Professor Amy Chua's book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother". If you haven't read it yet, then please stop reading this post and read the article before proceeding. Needless to say, her authoritarian parenting methods, attack of "Western" parenting styles, and overall use of dichotomous and overly simplistic comparisons of Western vs. "Chinese" culture have resulted in much uproar and debate from people representing differing cultures and parenting styles. A number of responses have popped up online, easily accessible with a simple Google search.

I realize this article was published almost two weeks ago, but I suppose the reason it's taken me this long to respond is because of my initial reaction upon reading it for the first time. Let's just say I was left so distraught that I was essentially incapacitated for the rest of the weekend. While I've read controversial and infuriating pieces of literature in the past, the last thing I expected was to have such a strong emotional response from something published in the Wall Street Journal. After spending a good amount of time perusing blogs, talking to my friends (who are tired of hearing about this subject), talking to my mother (who didn't help things at the time), and doing some self-reflection, I think I've calmed to the point where I can now discuss the subject of "Tiger Mothering" without resorting to vitriol.

The subject of my masters thesis was the relationship between perceived parental pressure and the onset of mental illness among college aged students. Initially, my plan was to discuss the potential harms of "Tiger Mothering" using studies from my literature review. I had also plan to discuss the fallacious "Western vs. Chinese" ideas perpetuated by Amy Chua's article and book. However, I know these subjects have been discussed ad nauseum on other blogs and news sites. Hence, I think a more effective use of this space would be to discuss my personal experiences with Asian parents who employed some "Tiger Mother" tactics. When it comes to my parents I always have a lot say, but to prevent this post from turning into a novel I'll try to keep the scope focused on their parenting style in relation to Amy Chua's methods.

Upon personal reflection, there are some big differences between my parents and Amy Chua. Unlike Amy Chua's children I was allowed to go on occasion playdates, choose my own extracurricular activities, be in a school play, watch TV, play video games, and play flute and percussion (in addition to piano). However, like Amy Chua's children I was not allowed to attend sleepovers or get grades less than an A. Additionally, having my grades drop from an A+ to an A was an issue of contention with my mother, who nearly confronted one of my teachers at one point. Regarding class ranks, the junior high school and high school I attended didn't have any, and I was fortunate enough to be valedictorian of my elementary school class. However, I knew being the best was important to my parents. Similar to Amy Chua, I was reprimanded when I only received 2nd place in an 8th grade spelling bee contest. During freshman year of high school, I was grounded for telling my parents that they shouldn't expect me to be valedictorian (before I found out my school didn't have one).

It's hard to say whether parental pressure put me at an advantage in life. In many ways, I feel the pressure ultimately left me at a disadvantage. From elementary through high school, I got straight As due to the utter fear of being punished if I brought home a B. My classmates and friends never understood why I was so against getting a B, and I was often bullied for my perfectionist tendencies. I suppose many of my teachers didn't understand either, with one teacher nicknaming me "Ms. Perfect" and another telling me to tell my parents to "get a life" (nearly resulting in a confrontation with my mom later that day). However, in an urban school district with a lot of problem students, most teachers appreciated my passive and overachieving nature. Such an attitude kept me out of trouble, brought straight As, and eventually earned me some respect among my peers. Similarly, a submissive and obedient attitude was the easiest way to avoid criticism at home, though the most minute slight would nevertheless result in hours of verbal lashing and unfounded accusations of slacking off, drug use, and/or sexual behavior. I suppose this pressure to please everyone paid off with my acceptance into one of the top public universities in the nation. However, the need to satisfy everyone at the expense of my needs would result in a litany of problems to come.

When it came time to go to college, I was essentially told by my parents that I had to go to medical school or "go to hell". By that time, going to medical school was something I did not want to do. I recall one night when I broke down and pleaded with them to let me study something else, but they would not budge. While they viewed becoming a doctor as a way to achieve wealth and prestige in life, I saw it as a lifetime enslaved to something for which I had no passion. In fact, I knew by then that my passion was in music. Little did my parents know about the amount of time I spent playing music, as I practiced in private due to their tendency to yell at me if I made too many mistakes or played something "useless" like warm-up scales. My parents essentially disallowed the notion of studying music in college, and I can't help but wonder if Amy Chua will react the same way if her prodigious children consider music as a major when they reach college.

Needless to say, my grades suffered greatly as an undergraduate. I had no passion for the subject I was studying and essentially had no hope for any happiness in my future. Furthermore, I turned into a problem student due to my poor test scores and began to receive insults from my peers concerning my academic performance. When I complained to my parents about how much I hated what I was studying, they merely screamed at me to further bury myself in my studies so I enjoy it. College life was miserable, though this misery was masked by the euphoria I experienced from playing in my university's marching band.

Unfortunately, this joy was short lived as this extracurricular activity brought a new slew of challenges. While I took an active part in my college marching band, I ultimately was never given an opportunity to have a leadership role in the group. Each time I applied, I was denied, with fellow bandmembers stating that it was due to my lack of self-confidence and leadership ability. More blunt members stated that my passivity and push-over demeanor made me socially awkward and unlikable. Personality traits that worked for me in high school no longer worked for me in my college social relationships. In fact, when I being in constant contact with the same band members opened the door to dating, I was repeated passed up for females who exuded more confidence in themselves. Eventually, I got fed up I forced myself to become more assertive and resistant to the relationship setbacks, put-downs, and bullying. Unfortunately, this was unfamiliar emotional territory for me, and ultimately resulted in me angrily throwing a glass of water in someone's face for making a friendly joke about my instrument. Needless to say, I often wonder how things would have turned out differently if I was allowed me more time to explore social relationships and even date in high school. Moreover, I can't help but think that things would have been different if my parents used a parenting style that promoted confidence, courage, and resilience instead of obedience, acquiescence, and fear.

Two years into college my parents finally realized how unhappy I had become and relented on their desire to have me go to medical school. While I ultimately went on to graduate school and completed my Master of Social Work program with honors, I know that deep inside my parents are disappointed that I did not fulfill their dream of me becoming a doctor. While I still have no desire to become a doctor today, the idea that I have shamed my family by something inferior in their eyes is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. It is also something I will have to face on a daily basis if I choose to stay in a field of social work that requires constant interaction with doctors.

That's not to say that I don't feel gratitude towards my parents. I am forever thankful to my parents because of their sacrifices while I growing up and their financial (and eventually emotional support) while I was in college. I know that without them, I would not be where I am today. Concurrently, I strongly feel that the way I was raised played a major factor in my decision to become a social worker.

Following graduate school, I moved back home with my parents to save money while I looked for a more permanent job/vegetated after 17 years of school. Things have definitely been different compared to when I lived with my parents while growing up. Nowadays, I get away with leaving the house to see friends and debating my parents when I feel they're wrong on an issue. However, there are old habits I still can't change, such as my avoidance of the piano when my parents are home.

I've read a number of great responses online from Asian-Americans negatively affected by their "Tiger Parents" rearing. I know that college is over, but to say that the way I was parented doesn't affect me today would be downright dishonest. While I like my profession, I often wonder if I would be happier as a musician or band director (their salaries are similar to that of a social worker anyway). My close friends continue to express concern regarding my lack of self-confidence, self-efficacy, and self-esteem. Despite having a decent number of friends and acquaintances, I feel that my social skills pale when it comes to meeting new people, carrying discussions, and avoiding social awkwardness. When it comes to my own profession, I still feel insecure because my family does not deem it as lucrative or prestigious than if I had become a doctor or lawyer. My own boyfriend is an engineer, and while he has repeatedly stated that he supports my profession, I still can't help but wonder if he and his parents also view me as inferior because I am a social worker and not something "better". Every day is a new battle against myself and my past, and while I've made plenty of progress in attempting to reclaim my life, I anticipate it may take a while to finally overcome the hold my parents have on me from their "Tiger Parenting" tendencies.

Well, that's my story, which turned out a lot longer than I anticipated. It's amazing how a simple book except can trigger years worth of memories and repressed emotions. That's not to say that I'm entirely against Amy Chua and the message she attempts to send in her book. I will acknowledge that she makes some good points about the "softness" of some parents in existence today, resulting in some lazy, spoiled, and entitled children. Additionally, I will give her credit for reforming her authoritarian ways by the end of her book following the rebellion of her 13 year old daughter. It seems that the Wall Street Journal article did misrepresent her book as a whole, but the resulting controversy probably did her a favor by boosting her sales. As for me, I never plan on buying or reading her book. As interesting of a read as it might be, I'd rather spend my free time not reliving these painful aspects of my childhood. If a Wall Street Journal article can put me in such a state of distress, then I fear what "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" might do to this already wounded "Tiger Child".

Black Friday!

Apparently my last post was roughly a month ago. My hospital has been offering pretty generous hours lately, and while I've been making decent money, the work coupled with my long commute leaves me pretty drained by the end of the day. Hopefully, I'll be able to alleviate this situation once I have a permanent job and move out of my parents' house.

Anyway, if I haven't mentioned this before, the period between the beginning of October to the end of January is my favorite time of year. This is because all my favorite holidays and my birthday fall during this four month period. Last Thursday, I had a relaxing Thanksgiving filled with family time and food. Yesterday was Black Friday, signaling the beginning of my favorite time of year to shop.

While I do like to save money, I'm not hardcore enough to do something like pitch a tent in front of Best Buy in order to get a cheap television (which I saw on the way home from breakfast Thanksgiving morning). I have nothing against these people, and in fact wish I could actually wake up that early enough on Black Friday morning. This year, my dad somehow managed to get up at 5am to get a deal on a Christmas tree. While I may try braving the cold and crowds someday, for now I'd rather stay under my warm sheets on Black Friday morning. There's always Cyber Monday and the new Small Business Saturday.

As has been the case for several years now, I spent Black Friday in San Francisco to watch the Union Square tree lighting ceremony and do a little Christmas shopping. While the deals usually aren't as good on Black Friday afternoon, I usually go to the city for the holiday shopping experience. In the end I got some makeup items for myself and some giftcards, though I ended up returning the giftcards after my cheap boyfriend kindly told me I could get up to a 10% discount online (more on that in a future entry). I also got some basics from Old Navy after the obscenely long checkout lines finally thinned at 10pm. Here's a tip for shopping at Old Navy: If you can't find your size in a certain item, just buy a different size at sale price. You can exchange it for the correct size once they restock!

Well, that's all for now. I'll try to update this more frequently since I probably won't be working as many hours this month. Happy Holidays!

Sephora Friends and Family

Sephora is one of my favorite stores. Despite the fact that my cheap boyfriend prefers a natural look on me, I visit Sephora regularly to shop, play with make up, and pick up free samples to test on my sensitive face before buying.

Word on Slickdeals is that Sephora is having its Friends and Family sale from 10/21-11/3. Now would be a great time to stock up on make up, face and body products, and Christmas presents as everything will be 20% off with the code FF2010. If you want to save more money, shop through Ebates.com for 4% cash back! Buy now while the sale is happening, because when the sale is over and your eye cream runs out you'll be paying full price!

Happy Case Management Week!

At work, I am part of the Case Management Department. This department consists of nurse case managers, social workers, and assistants who work in tandem on a patient's discharge. While case managers handle the medical aspects of a discharge, the social worker's primary role is to address social issues such as coping, substance abuse, family dynamics, community support, safety, abuse, and end of life decision making.

This week is National Case Management Week, and I am pretty happy that my job is including the social workers in the festivities. This week, I received a free pin, free lunch, and free gift certificates. Very sweet. Next up: National Social Work Month in March!

Don't forget to thank your case manager, social worker, and discharge planner for ensuring that each hospital patient gets discharged in a safe and timely manner!

A new beginning

Wow, it's been almost a year since my last post! I suppose time flies when you're busy. Let me summarize the events of the past year:

-I completed my MSW program last May. While I am relieved to be done, there are times when I miss the student lifestyle. I suppose contributing to this feeling is the fact that...
-I moved home. Considering I didn't have a job lined up upon graduating, I took advantage of my parents' generosity and moved back home. While this is meant to be a temporary arrangement, my parents do not want me moving out until I secure a full time job. Moving home has certain been an adjustment, as I enjoyed living on my own. However, the biggest benefit is that I'm saving tons of money by not paying rent (my parents refuse to accept rent money, telling me to save it instead).
-I landed a per diem job at a hospital. After three months of obsessively searching and applying for jobs, I was finally hired by a staffing agency. I currently work at an acute hospital as a medical social worker. While planning discharges and addressing multiple patient issues can be exhausting, I find that my days go by rather quickly. Overall, I am content with the work I do and happy that my salary is higher than my initial expectations (which were really low). Currently, I am working full time hours as one of my co-workers is on leave for a few weeks.
-I am still applying for jobs. Ideally, I would like to land a full time job with benefits so I can move out of my parents' house already. However, I am not in too much of a hurry to sign away the next 30 years of my life just yet. There are a few things I'd still like to do, such as travel and dedicate time to hobbies I've been neglecting because of school. When I feel ready (and the right job comes along), I'll move out. Ideally, I'll have saved up a decent amount of rent money from not having paid rent while at home.

Anyway, that's my life update. Now that I'm not busy with school, I'll see what I can do about updating this blog more often!

We're #1! We're #1!

While surfing the CNN.com website, I found a link that read Stressful jobs that pay badly. Clicking the link, I was not surprised to see what was number one on the list.

Being number one on this list is not something we should be proud of as social workers. Furthermore, a person with a masters degree should not be making $12 an hour. I understand that social workers are not in it for the money, but it becomes unacceptable when people with education levels this high can barely afford to support themselves.

As social workers, we are constantly advocating for the needs of our clients. It's time we advocated more for ourselves in ensuring better wages and working conditions. What kind of social workers would we be if we couldn't help ourselves?

The name of this blog

It's the weekend! For this post, I figured I should discuss the story behind the name of this blog.

Ironically, I am actually not that cheap. Just like everyone else has a weak spot for something, two of my weaknesses are shopping and eating out. Given that I'm in school right now and don't have much income, I try to do the two aforementioned activities while spending the least money possible. My friends have commented that I always seem know when a particular store has a sale, and can list where all the cheap restaurants are and times and locations of places that have decent happy hour specials. Knowing what my field pays and my personal goals in saving up and having some financial security, I doubt my current shopping and eating out habits will increase much once I graduate and have an actual job. In fact, I should work on eating out and shopping less anyway.

The name of this blog is inspired by my boyfriend, who completely blows me out of the water in terms of cheapness. He is so cheap that his ex-girlfriend wrote a prize-winning blog titled "My super cheap ex-boyfriend" (which I won't link so as not to embarrass him). Having a general idea of what my blog was going to be about prior to creating it I knew I had to incorporate "cheap" into the title, even though it didn't necessarily describe me. In fact, upon showing my blog to my boyfriend for the first time he commented that I was indeed not cheap at all. I wholeheartedly agreed, stating that I should probably take more lessons in cheapness from him. I'm sure his tips in saving money will wind up on here at some point, the first being to cook more and shop less.